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Darika, Over the past few months I have developed an unusual substance abuse problem. At least I think it might be a problem. Every morning I take one (of those little blue pills). Usually I am not planning to have sex. I am happy to be single. But maybe I am hoping for it subconsciously. I really love what it does to my (big muscle down there). When the stuff kicks in it suddenly gets warm and tingly. I bought silk boxer shorts because I like how it feels when I walk. Nobody in Big C knows I am getting off just pushing the shopping cart around. Is this too weird or what? Precious Reader,
It is perfectly healthy to get in touch with your kinky side and enjoy fantasies and fetishes, darling, as long as you do not involve anyone who is unwilling. There is nothing wrong with enjoying “warm and tingly,” Darika loves the way her silk teddy makes her feel. However, If you secretly hope to shock people in public places you need to deal with a bigger problem than those pills. Perhaps it would be safer to buy your own shopping cart and push it around home in the company of like-minded friends. If this behavior is strictly private, however, my only concern is that you might end up (dead). Those pills were probably not meant to be consumed every day unless your doctor says it is OK. Perhaps you should try abstinence or alternate the blue ones with (something that is the same but different). You know what Darika means.
Darika, 
Dear Darika,
This will not be a long story. My problem is that my “thing” is small. I am
not happy about this and I deside already to do something. I am young and right
now I want to have sex a lot. Everything OK when it get strong. But I am not as
big as other guys I see at the sauna. When I go there I only watch because I am
afraid because maybe somebody will think I am not good enough. Please tell me
what I can do about this problem.
– your reader
After reading your letter I pulled out my copy of Gray’s Anatomy and
looked up “thing” without success. My friend Mitzi was clever enough to point
out that you were probably talking about your p-e-n-i-s, which gets an entire
chapter in Gray’s. Before we proceed, you and I should get over our use
of pseudonyms (willie, ding-dong, woody, pecker, rod, big brother, little
brother, prick, pecker, Johnson, boner, dipstick, John Thomas, skin flute, and
so forth) for this awkward word and just call it a penis.
Darika is fascinated that from time to time during the last three thousand
years people have been obsessed with unrealistic expectations about the
proportion of the male sex organ. The Greeks and Romans decorated their homes
with images of men sporting horse-sized erections. King Jayavarman II, who built
Angkor Wat, carved 2km of stone stream bed with a thousands of stone linga
(penises). Hindus have always considered linga carvings to have special
properties of fertility. Even today, many Thai people visit Nai Lert Park (along
the klong next to the Raffles Hotel on Wireless Road) to pray to the penis gods
for all kinds of sexual favors. Some of the penises there are so big that they
have penises of their own. Oh my.
People have been worshiping penises throughout history, and most men worship
their own. So abra cadabra, clever entrepreneurs have figured out how to
make money by making men think about the size of their wanger. Since Viagra
added an extra twenty years to the virility of the baby-boomer generation,
obsession about size is a hot topic--especially on the internet. Some actual
samples from Darika’s email junk folder today include the following subjects:
“Hot and new Rock hard manhood, multiple explosions and several times more….”
“Make your dick depend on you, not you depend on your dick.” “The world is
getting bigger; your penis has to get bigger too.” “The newest Enhanced male
power and unlimited prowess….” “On surgery you can end up with a shorter penis
then before. With Penis Enlarge Patch this is impossible.” “On taking Penis
Enlargement Virility Patch PX your penis will find it hard to fit into tiny
holes.” Heavens. It’s a good thing that Darika’s mom has a good spam filter.
Regardless of your endowment it is impossible not to feel inadequate after being
subjected to so many of these commercial messages.
In answer to your plea for advice, let’s begin with what does not work:
patches, herbal concoctions, magic creams and pumps. Except for the latter, you
have no idea what the ingredients are and you may damage your health. Pumps are
fun toys, but you could also your little brother irreparably if you over-do it.
In short, do not believe anything you read in an unsolicited email.
That leaves medical solutions. You can ask a plastic surgeon to inject any
one of a number of mushy substances--including fat and plastic jellies--under
the skin of your penis to make it more plump. The result will probably be a
novelty that will not increase your pleasure and will probably cause you more
embarrassment than you believe you are experiencing now. What is the point of
irreversibly transforming “dinky” into “grotesque?” Darika has seen such things
with her own eyes, and they are not pretty.
One surgical procedure actually works. Between one half and one third of the
penis is inside the body. The part outside is attached to the pubic bone with
ligaments that do not stretch very far. By severing these ligaments you Free
Willy, so to speak. For several months following the surgery you have to
give it a pull ever day so that the hidden part inside the body begins to
emerge. It might be fun to ask someone to do this for you. Since some discomfort
is involved, however, it might not be the erotic experience you had hoped for. I
doubt that this procedure is covered under the thirty baht health scheme, so you
may have to save up quite a bit of money to pay for it.
At this point, you are probably expecting Darika to tell you to quit
complaining, thank your lucky stars that your body functions properly regardless
of your size, find someone who is into small dicks and get on with your life.
Instead, I hope you will take heart in the letter below.
Kisses on yours, Darika
Two Letters, One Answer The first letter: Please help me with a problem at work that is getting out of hand (sorry for the pun, as you will soon see). I own a small but popular bar and restaurant. Most of my staff have been with me since we first opened and I love them like my own family. One employee, however, is having some unusual personal problems. When he becomes upset, which happens more and more lately, he disappears into the men’s room. I figured he was just chilling out in there. However, after he did not come out after ten minutes a few days ago I went in to check on him. He was washing his hands. At first this did not seem unusual until it was clear that he was washing his hands very vigorously and was not stopping. He did not look well, so I asked another employee to take him home. Now I hear from other staff members that this guy washes his hands at least eight or ten times every night for at least five minutes. This is really bizarre. I don’t want to lose him because I like him a lot and my employees and I are a big family. However, he isn’t doing my business much good if he spends all night in the loo. I’m afraid some of my customers will find him there and will be alarmed. I do not know where to begin to fix this problem. Do you think it’s drugs? The second letter: My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 2 years. Our relationship is like a rollercoaster ride, sometime up but most of the time down. He used to abuse alcohol before (when he is drunk, he turns violence), but has quit drinking because that's the condition I gave him if he wants to be with me. However, that doesn't solve the problem. He always like to create a big drama over small issues. He has problems sleeping, although sometimes he has problems staying awake. His insecurity and mood swing is driving me nuts at times. I can't explained to you how tired I am dealing with his temperamental behavior. I have advised him to see a psychiatrist to get some helps, but he got angry with me saying, "I am not crazy". I don't mean that. I just want to help him to build up his confidence, be more optimistic with life, and have more respect towards others. Anyway, every successful man has someone always there to give him the support. But with him, sometime, I feel like drowning. I really need an understanding boyfriend, and I hope is him. What should I do?
Precious Readers,
Honestly, I myself am not sure where to begin. Indeed, the challenge for your
loved ones is how to begin to deal with these problems themselves.
First off, Darika is not a psychiatrist, psychologist, sociologist, a psychic
visionary or even a zoologist. However, I have spent many, many hours on
psychiatrists’ couches and do not feel uncomfortable broaching the issue of
emotional health (or the feel of genuine leather on bare skin).
I shared your letters with my own shrink when I went for a re-supply of Happy
Pills last week. He confirmed my amateur diagnoses. The hand washer probably
suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder (“OCD”)and Mr. Mood Swing is
most likely clinically depressied, although he may have other issues as well.
This does not mean that either one of these men are crazy. It means that they
have a medical problem that can probably be treated easily by a doctor with
conversation and miracle drugs.
Unfortunately, both guys may not understand that they have a problem at all.
If they do, they may not know what to do about it or are reluctant to seek help
out of fear that they will be branded as “insane.”
Sadly, Thai people are far behind Westerners when it comes accepting
psychiatry. This does not mean that it is easy for Westerners to recognize that
they are sick and to get help. It means that mental health care is far more
stigmatized and far less available in Asia than in the West. When I visit Dr.
Happiness every few months it I can not help but notice that most of the other
patients are farang.
Both OCD and depression are treatable in early stages. Modern drugs can make
life as normal as it probably can be in Thailand. Left untreated, however, these
problems can become increasingly unmanageable, leading to a rapid deterioration
of your friend’s quality of life. So I congratulate both of you for asking for
help.
How do you convince someone to take the fist brave step and seek professional
help? That’s the difficult part. Compassion will work better than threats. Begin
with a relaxed conversation with your friend and tell him how worried you are
about his behavior. You could even say (lie?) that you have known people with
similar problems and you know someone who can help. Be prepared to refer him to
someone who can help. Most major hospitals in Thailand have at least one
psychiatrist on staff. Or consult the Royal College of Psychiatrists website:
www.rcpsycht.org/
Above all, let your friend know that you will be patient and supportive
during his treatment. If it helps, there is an excellent Thai-language resource
on the internet that your friend can explore privately: www.infomental.com
Good luck and thank you for writing.
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