Dear Darika:

I am a middle-aged farang living in Hong Kong and have been a very frequent visitor to Thailand over the past 25 years clocking up more than 200 round trips. In spite of this, I cannot honestly say that I have any true Thai friends. I thought about this paradox the other day and put it down to incompatability - different languages and cultures as well as a massive difference in salaries/income. But at the same time I have discovered that Thai guys always have problems and when they think the time is right then they throw these problems at you. Invariably they are all about money. I take the view that we all have problems but we should take responsibility to solve those problems as mature individuals.

Have I been unlucky or do all farangs have a similar fate?

Darika has tried her best to take no umbrage at being thought of as caustic.

Perhaps your answer lies in the fact that you visited the Kingdom an average of eight times a year, presumably for the kind of sanook that is difficult to find in Hong Kong. Sadly, you are here only as a visitor. You come and you go, thus you attract people who can find nothing enduring in a relationship with you. You have become an “eating friend,” or someone who is not a friend at all, but comes in handy when a meal is available. Thais are not immune to broken hearts, and nobody wants a boyfriend who is not around for the bad times as well as the good unless, of course, they provide some alternate comfort during their absence.

Darika cannot be sure where you are looking for friends during your visits, but suspects you may be spending your time in popular drinking establishments and places where towels are worn, which are also popular with Thais looking for the aforesaid meal. While you might find a rising star in the world of finance, medicine or rocket science in such places, they are probably not looking for you. Most such young men want someone who will be around for a while. Perhaps you should look for a position as a visiting lecturer at a prestigious university here which would give you access to a more affluent group of Thais.

While it might seem that Thai men consider you little more than a bag of money with legs, it is probably unfair to paint all of them with this brush. Nevertheless, many young men here are needy and have come to learn that their good looks and special skills have intrinsic value. Historically, those who are older and financially secure have become patrons to those younger who want to advance their lives. Such a tradition is not exclusively Thai. Sadly, many thousands of farang over the decades have been all too eager to open their wallets at the first sign of a sad story. The family cow dies and a visitor gleefully enriches the Thai economy by buying is own personal boy. We share the blame for this pervasive and naughty behavior by encouraging it, so let us not blame local folk who learn all too quickly.

If it is any consolation, Darika has visited Hong Kong many times and enjoys evenings at Game Boy and Wyndham Street bars, but has never cemented enduring relationships. What good would a boyfriend in Hong Kong do me anyway?

Dear Darika,

My company moved me to Bangkok a bit more than five years ago. After the first year I settled down with lovely guy who I loved. We had a normal home life and friends, and were compatible in every way.

After Christmas he went to see his mum upcountry and never returned. His mobile is cut. He took cash advances totaling around 100,000 baht on the supplementary Visa card I gave him. There is a large sum of money missing from my bank account. My gold jewelry is gone. I am in shock and beside myself with anger and grief. He has obviously left me without any explanation.

To make matters worse he is using Grindr (with the iPhone I gave him for Christmas!) to send me horribly demeaning messages. What can I do?

Dearest,

Darika has contemplated the horrible things you might consider doing to your former partner, including speeding trucks and burning down his mother’s house. While these might seem at first to be attractive options, they could get you into trouble. Sadly, people I know who have had similar experiences have not found the police at all helpful.

I am tempted to call this a “Thai style divorce,” although such unpleasantness is undoubtedly not unique to our happy Kingdom. You may be shocked to know that I have heard the same story many times. It is a sad truth that most foreigners are perceived to have limitless resources. We sometimes find it too easy to be too generous, and this can fuel temptation.

Poet Robert Frost wrote “Good fences make good neighbors.” In many ways this applies to other relationships as well. We need boundaries in all of our relationships to insure that we get along with each other. However, boundaries do not replace an equal need for trust. Finding a happy medium between the two is often challenging.

My best advice is to let this sad episode slip quietly into your past without allowing it to damage your ability to love and to trust. You will survive.

As for Grindr messages, why don’t you simply block him? Were you expecting an apology? And by the way, how does Darika get onto your Christmas list? My battered Nokia belongs in a museum.

I am a straight white male, fully shaved except eyebrows. I love to show it off. I'd like to go to a gay bathhouse with my girlfriend, who likes to show too. Is that possible? We're both gay-friendly, including touching anywhere. – Shavefetish

At first Darika was mortified when she read your letter. After further contemplation, however, I would love to know when and where you plan this adventure so I can be there to witness it myself. The thought of 100 screaming queens escaping from a darkened maze with towels flapping behind them is indeed exhilarating.

"Gay-friendly" means "tolerant." I do not find the idea of being molested by a shaven heterosexual and/or a naked female to be particularly tolerant of my pursuit to indulge in same-sex pleasures in a steam room. Your visit would not likely engender the tolerance of those who you touch.

Darika knows of only one successful female foray into the one of the few places gay men still have entirely to themselves. Years ago, a gay friend was able to smuggle his skinny Japanese woman friend into Babylon. She wore a robe and kept her hands to herself and was thoroughly bored by he entire episode. Unless your girlfriend is Bette Midler, she will probably not get any farther past the front than Darika could unless she is flat-chested and can slip out of her clothes and into a towel without anyone detecting that she lacks a piece of equipment that is essential to enjoying a visit to a bath house.

Unless you go alone, which would make you a gay-touching bisexual exhibitionist, your fantasy is not particularly practical. It might be better for the two of you to rent a gay porno movie, stay at home, and show off to each other.
 

A fan sent this. It proves why men do not write advice columns....

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I  can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.  If  it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.  I hope this helps,

Walter.