Hi Darika,

So sad to know that what I am going to ask you falls under the subjects you may decline to answer. However, I am still trying to contact you with a hope that you can help me in some way.

I am an Asian guy and my friend is an Aussie guy. We unexpectedly met each other once in BKK a month ago when we were both on vacation. Things coming in naturally between us were astonishingly wonderful. We had a wonderful time together. I was heart-broken when saying goodbye to him (and subsequently I know he had similar feelings).  We are still writing, SMSing and talking over the phone to each other. I said I love him a week ago though we are currently oceans away from each other. He is a bit conservative as he had bad experience in gay love with a thai guy before. So he rarely uses the word LOVE with me.  I feel sad indeed. My question is: Do you really believe in gay love? (I have never loved anyone else though I am 28 now and I have heard that gay love is fragile in nature).  Was I too impulsive to say I love him? What could I do to help him overcome this fear and help him live with his true feelings for someone?

While reading your letter Darika was about to press the "delete" button until she came to the end. Normally I do not get involved in the inevitable drama of farangs and their long distance relationships with Thai boys. However, something you said you irritated the hell out of me, so you have earned an answer.

Where did you get this idiotic right-wing Christian notion that gay love might not exist? Who is to say that gay love is any different than straight love? Who taught you that one kind of love is any more or less fragile than the other? If you have a capacity to love--and to define what love means to you in the first place--you are no less entitled to hold someone in your heart than anyone else.

To use the "L" word is not very Thai. That fact that you are 28 and have never before shared your feelings with anyone verbally may not be unusual but is obviously a big step for you and something you should be proud of. Considering your friend's past experience and his "conservative" nature, however, this might have come off as a sales pitch rather than a genuine expression of your feelings. (Young Thai men are somewhat stigmatized. A few ruthless young Thai lads have rather spoiled things for the rest of you.) Now that you have said the magic word, however, it's best that you concentrate on showing him what you feel rather than telling him. Can you help him overcome his fear? Probably not. He needs to work on that himself, and men his age loathe working on themselves. In the mean time, go to the Australian embassy and get a visa application. Miracles can happen when you are in love. At least you will have something convenient to rip to shreds when you figure out that he is just an opportunist and/or far more complicated than you are prepared to deal with. That's why Darika has a dog. They are stupid and love you unconditionally. What could be more perfect? Want a puppy?

Dear Darika,

I have just recently returned from holiday in China. While on holiday I felt closely attracted to a national tour guide we had. I felt in my heart he was gay & that the attraction was mutual, but because of his job and me being with other people, it was hard to try to get to talk to him I felt very frustrated because I was unable to show my true feelings, even though in my mind I know he felt the same way. We did exchange emails & address's AND he has offered me and my other friends to stay with him if we ever go back. It's been 5 weeks now and I have sent a number of emails to him but of yet have had no reply. Am I just being impatient or am wasting my time & dignity?

Thank you for bringing your dilemma to my doorstep.

First, is the guide gay? Who knows? Maybe he doesn't even know himself. In most of Asia, "gay" is an idea you bring with you. While sexual encounters between people of the same sex are not unusual, the idea of two guys living together, sharing a dog, going to brunch on Sundays and playing canasta with other gay couples is a concept from a different world. Things in China are changing at lightening speed, so gay as a lifestyle concept is bound to catch on quickly. Why don't you just ask this guy which side of the toast he likes to put his butter?

Does the guide remember you passionately and dream of you in his arms? Even if he is not "gay" by your definition, the chances are slim. Darika makes no secret of the fact that she paid her way through Stanford's MBA program on her back. In these days long ago I was not the pathetic old dump I am now. Using the name "Steve Stunning" in my ads in sleezy San Francisco pulp throw-aways, I had the men lined up with money in their hands. I loved and occasionally even enjoyed every one of them, and promised each my undying love. They liked hearing that. If I happened to pass one on the street by accident, though, I would surely smile but probably not remember meeting them.

While your friend's product is obviously far different than mine was, the process is practically the same. He may been an exemplary host and even hoped for a nice friendship with a foreigner. However, the queue has moved along and new visitors are demanding his time and attention. Don't blame him for that, or yourself for wasting or losing anything.

You had a magical experience in China and that should be enough to keep your dignity intact. Hoping for anything more is not very realistic.