Dear Darika;

I need your advice.  I have been living with my boy friend for seven years. He and his family are not on speaking terms; and I have never met his parents. Nevertheless his mother has taken to sending me presents once or twice a year for no obvious reason. I don’t like her taste and want to throw away everything that she gives me, on top of that I hate having to write thank you notes for things that simply clutter my house. My boy friend suspects that she does it out of spite to upset him. How can I stop her sending me presents?

Since people do not often send Darika anything except their miserable problems I have to admit that I am a bit jealous that you get regular gifts from a stranger. What motivates your friend's mother is a mystery. Although nobody is on speaking terms she will always be his mother and her gifts may be her way of rewarding you for taking care of her boy. Or she could just be a miserable manipulative bitch who has embarked on a life-long mission to clutter your life with her dreadful junk. You are only encouraging her by sending thank-you notes. I suggest you find something truly hideous to send her like fake vomit, or an autographed photo of Darika. Or you could just get rid of the boyfriend. That would do the trick. If you have been with him for seven years it's probably time for a change anyway.

Love, Darika 

Khun Darika,

K. Noi,

First of all, I am grateful that you are considering a kinder way to deal with your son rather than a confrontation, which would not be good for either of you. Let me also say that you are not the first mother to come to terms with her child being different in some way. While having a copy of a gay magazine does not necessarily mean your son is homosexual it is likely that he enjoys photos of handsome men more than pretty girls. If he really is gay, there is no “cure” because he is not sick and you will never be able to change him. Reading a magazine did not make him this way, and you are not responsible for his sexual orientation either. And no, not all homosexual men want to become women.

The easiest thing for you to do would be to forget you ever saw the magazine and never mention it to anyone. Over time, however, this would be a poor choice. You will always resent him for not revealing an important part of his life to you. It might be a relief for him to know that you know his secret. However, for most people your son’s age, having a conversation with a parent about sexuality is almost impossible.

First of all, do not pressure your son about girlfriends or talk about getting married and having children some day. He will feel defensive and intimidated.

If he has close male friends, try to be friendly with them. If possible, meet their mothers. If you are able to become friends you might eventually say something like: “Have you noticed that our sons are a little different from other boys their age?” Knowing someone else who has a gay son will make it easier for both of you to understand your children. In America and Europe there are discussion groups for parents of homosexual children and even special telephone numbers parents can call for advice. Darika hopes there will be something like this in Thailand some day.

Sooner or later your son may find his own way to talk with you. If not, you should find your own way to talk to him. (Of course it would be very clever if your son could see you reading Darika’s reply in this magazine.) When I was your son’s age, I asked my mother to help me shop for a bra for a costume party. Once I started wearing it at home she began to ask me to help her with her makeup. Since then mother never looked better.

By the way, don’t you think your son is a bit too old for you to clean his room? At his age he would probably appreciate some privacy. I'm sure you would not want him snooping around your room, although he may find your lingerie drawer sooner or later.

Love, Darika