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Pa Darika, Oh my goodness. Whenever Darika thinks she has heard and seen everything she receives a letter like this. As I ponder your letter for the umpteenth time quite a few questions float to the surface. To begin with, what was your friend’s reaction when introduced to his gig by the gig’s sibling? (Darika would have loved being there just for that.) Where did your sister meet him? Was he wearing a number at the time? And why is she just having her first “serious” relationship at 25? Obviously your shared playmate is a gigolo and he will disappear from the scene in short order anyway. In the end your sister’s dignity and your own should be your primary concern. If you do not talk honestly and openly with her she may be emotionally scarred for life. I suggest you present her with a giant pair of scissors and ask how she would like to divide the young man into equal portions. (Please take the scissors away afterwards.) And make it clear that during their weekend visit you expect conjugal rights. Your young gentleman probably will not show up anyway. He has not accomplished so much in life by being stupid.
Dear Darika Dear Darika,
I have been dating a gorgeous underwear model for about three months now, and the sex has been outstanding, yet he cannot hold a decent
conversation. His problem is intellectual rather than linguistic and seems to lack any emotion. Do
I tell him to shut his mouth and just
continue in this shallow relationship, where i am having the best sex of my 42
year old life, or find something more meaningful, so I feel less shallow?
Precious Reader,
P.S. Have you asked him how you rate
with him?  Hi Darika,
Dear Jason,
Hi Darika,
Nop and I are best friends since we were eight. We went to the same schools. We both knew we were gay from the start, so we always depend on each in many ways.
We have never been in serious relationships. We like sex a lot. Even with each
other long time ago. But now we like farang, and we usually dating two or three
guys at the same time. When one of us meets a guy and we begin to spend time
together the other does his best to steal the guy away. It is a fun game we play
with each other and we always laugh together when we are finished.
Now I met someone new and the game started again. Nop slept with him already on the
first week and they are still having sex sometimes. But I am in love with this
guy and I feel really serious that I want to marry him. My problem is that Nop
has feelings for my boyfriend also. I can already see big problems between Nop
and me. How to get out of this?
Love, Bop
The
first sentence of this reply was originally “Dump him.” But now that I have
thought about it I really do not see why you need to change anything except your
attitude, which is competitive and greedy. Mr. No-Name seems to be happy with
both of you and you both seem to be happy with him. Why not share? And
considering your history, my dear, you will both probably soon tire of him and
move along to the next farang anyway.
When you feel the time is right to settle down, you should marry Nop. You are perfect for
each other. You are indeed faad Siam .
Darika,
I just recently started to date this guy and hes really sweet and everything but
we dont talk a whole lot, its not because we dont want to but we dont know what
to talk about. Could you please give us some topics or questions to talk about
to each other?
Thanks for sharing your issue with Darika. Your problem is probably more common than you realize. I occasionally read of couples to do not have conversations for years, often ending in a bloody murder. Just as often I have read about someone who has murdered his or her spouse because they will not shut up. As you probably know, Darika has had vast experience in the world of dating. The men in my life have ranged from the silent type to my current love, Mister Chatterbox. I love it that he has something to say and speaks his mind freely. In the case of the silent ones, we had little to say to each other because, for the most part, other things were a lot more interesting than conversation. These fellows were typically good at one thing only, and it was not chit-chat. As I age, however, I realize how much more I appreciate a guy who has something to say, which is usually evidence of a functional brain. You have not really said whether you think your current dilemma is caused by one or both of you. If you have come to recognize that you are not the great conversationalist you thought you were, you still have time to learn. Perhaps nobody is better at conversation than those who make their living interviewing other people on television. Some years ago, Barbara Walters wrote a wonderful book entitled How To Talk To Anyone About Practically Anything. More recently, Larry King wrote How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere: The Secrets of Good Communication. Darika recommends that you read one or both. Giving you a list of things to talk about (the weather? baseball?) and things to avoid (religion? politics?) will not help you at all. Being a good conversationalist begins with being a good listener. The truth is, everyone's favorite topic of conversation is themselves. Look back at some of the most wonderful talks you have had you will probably realize that the conversation was mostly about you and that the other person was an attentive listener who asked good questions and showed a genuine interest in you. Perhaps you should set your relationship on a new path by showing a genuine interest in each other. You should, of course talk about your favorite topic--each other. Learn everything you can about him by asking him questions. Read the newspaper together and ask what his opinions are. However, Darika warns you that you might be disappointed. You could ultimately learn that he really has nothing to say and he might turn out to be one of those guys who is good at one thing only, and it ain't talking. Our would that be such a disappointment at all? Love, Darika
Dear Miss Darika, My boyfriend (he is also Malaysian) and I have been together for about three years. We are both busy professional people. Sam (not a real name) has a job that requires him to travel away from home about 50% of the time. Lately he has been traveling quite a bit, so we try to spend as much time together when he is here. We both enjoy swimming, shopping and movies. He has always been quite enjoyable to be with. Sam left three days ago. He said he was going to Singapore for four days for his business. Not long after he left someone was knocking on the door. Outside was a very handsome guy about my age. His t-shirt fit him quite snugly and it was obvious he spent a lot of time at the gym. He stared at me and said nothing for a long time. He looked very serious. Finally he said "You are my boyfriend's other boyfriend. I wanted to see who you are." I invited him inside. He explained to me that he had known Sam for about two years and that they lived together only a few km from here. He became suspicious about Sam's frequent trips when Sam's passport did not have many stamps. He paid one of his friends to follow Sam to our/my apartment. There is more. He also learned that Sam also has a wife and small baby in Kuala Lumpur and his friend discovered where they live. He is with them now. This news made me very upset, of course. At first I shouted at this visitor and I said some really terrible things to him. He did not react the same way. Unbelievable, he spoke softly to make me calm. Eventually I began to cry. I was hysterical. He put his arm around me to comfort me. It did not take very long before our clothes were off and we comforted each other quite well. I have to admit that it was stupendous. I can think of nothing but him for the past two days. Last night he phoned me to make sure I am alright and he is thinking of me as well. He wants to see me again soon. Sam will return tomorrow. What can I do? -- Donnie in KL
Dear Donnie,
Confrontation is the easiest solution, of course. Wouldn't it be
delicious for Sam to return home and find both of you waiting together? However,
Darika pleads with you to consider your other options calmly. It is obvious that
"Sam" plays an important role in your life. It is also clear that the other
boyfriend considers him important or he would not have bothered to visit you.
Two or three years is a long time for a gay relationship to
last, so part of it may be worth saving. Consider this... When Sam returns, try not to behave badly or
let him know that you know what he has been doing. Tell him you had a very bad
day at work and that you have a terrible headache and want to be left alone.
Give yourself some time to get hold of yourself and to think carefully about
whether or not you want to end your relationship. You did not say you are
finished with him, so I am not sure if this is an option for you or not.
The next time Sam plans to be away, phone the other boyfriend. If Sam plans to
visit the wife and kid, you have the perfect opportunity to continue to comfort
each other. Sooner or later Sam will be the suspicious one. If you and the spare
boyfriend plan to continue your own relationship, the three of you may even be able
to come to a creative solution that does not involve deceit.
Do not bother Sam's wife. (How do you know they are married anyway?) If she is any smarter than Sam's two boyfriends she will use her own
creativity to protect herself and her child. Maybe you could all live together
in a big house in the suburbs.
Dear Darika, Some months ago I met a young man who works in a go-go bar and fell in love with him. We recently traveled together on holiday. Before we parted he gave me the letter below. I am not sure what to think about it. What is your advice?
-- Bertie
Dear Bertie, Those who have read the classics remember the story in Homer's Odyssey about the isle of the Sirens. The songs of the nymphs on this island were so magical that sailors smashed their ships into the rocks. To pass safely, Ulysses filled his sailors' ears with wax and tied them to the masts. It seems you have met a modern-day nymph whose song is very strong. It is universally understood that people of this young man's profession provide sex and the illusion of love and affection in exchange for money. The luckiest of them may from time to time meet one or more gentlemen who request more than just one night of pleasure. This becomes a financial opportunity for them and for their families, and sometimes even an opportunity to travel. Darika makes no secret of the fact that she knows many such young men and has found herself helping them from time to time. Unlike many other Westerners, however, I do not do this to "save" them because I do not object to prostitution as long as people are not forced to do this work against their will. While stories like yours are told daily in Thailand. (Darika has heard every possible version.) I can not help but find myself somewhat outraged by the letter you received. Is it clear to you yet that the letter is all about him and nothing about you? Did he tell you how wonderful you are? How caring? How generous? Or what a wonderful companion you are? While he professed his love, he offered nothing, yet asked for a lot. Darika must admit that she finds the entire matter of abstaining from sex to be somewhat insidious in several respects. He has managed to take advantage of your generosity without performing any of the obligations that you probably intended him to perform during your holiday together. At the end he reconciled this as some kind of a test. If you had known from the beginning that you were being tested you might have made different choices. This was a childishly cruel and dishonest thing for him to do. There is no suggestion from him that this no-sex arrangement will ever change, yet he implies that he expects you be his and his alone. Your friend's use of drugs is alarming. Drugs are, of course, illegal in Thailand. In some cases the penalty for possession of drugs is death. Aside from the obvious health implications for your friend and the fact that you may be unwittingly sponsoring his drug use, you could be in a great deal of danger if the police find you in the company of anyone who has drugs in his possession. If this young man really has an addiction problem do you think he is going to tell you the truth about quitting? (Darika lied to her boyfriend for months about her tobacco addiction but was finally caught in the act. He was angry and disappointed with my dishonesty and I was embarrassed. No more Havanas for me, darling!) Whether or not you have a future with this young man depends entirely on your needs and expectations and I suggest that you examine those very carefully. Long distance relationships practically never succeed, so you face multiple challenges. Darika shares your love for beauty and youth. When we are with a handsome young man we bask in those things as if they will
magically rub off on us in some small way. There are plenty of decorative young men in Thailand to perform that service, and they may be replaced at will. However, if it is a loving, committed relationship you are looking for, this would be a good time to fill your ears with wax.
Dear Darika,
I am 24 years old and my boy friend is 27 years old, we are not living together but practice monogamous relationship.
Of course i need to worry since there are none of my friends can keep thier relationship to last. For me, gay relationship is fragile.
Khun Sombong,
Congratulations for keeping a monogamous relationship. That is difficult for
most men, especially at your age. You are right that gay relationships are
fragile. There is no pressure from society, religion or law to stay together. If
you want your relationship to last a long time the key is probably honesty and
communication. It is OK to disagree as long as you both understand that
disagreement does not spell the end of a relationship. Never go to bed angry.
Never stop writing love letters. Give him little gifts for no reason. Remember
that it is better to show someone that you love them then tell them. Take things
one day at a time and enjoy every day you have together. Just remember that
diamonds are forever, but nothing else is. After all, we all change with time
and need different things. In 1968 Darika bought a beautiful new Volvo (which I
named "Becky"). It was the loveliest car I ever saw and I vowed to keep her
shiny and new forever. I washed Becky every Saturday, kept her in a garage at
night, and made sure the oil was changed regularly. After about twenty years,
however, I realized that it was just a junky old car. I bought a new Jaguar and
gave the Volvo away. That Volvo gave me a lot of wonderful memories
(particularly with Sven, my mechanic, who loved to help me test the parking
brake at night). So I guess my best advice to you is that you should get as many
miles as you can out of the sporty car your are driving now but keep in mind
that the newer models look better and better every year.
Kisses and good luck, Darika
Dear Darika,
My farang boyfriend has told me that he refuses to buy any
more skin whitening products. He has also thrown away my cleansing foam, shower
gel and moisturizer because they are skin whitening. This has made me very
angry. What do you think I should do about this? - “A” Khun A, To many farang, dark is sexy. Your boyfriend may be worried that your cosmetics are actually harmful. However, it is more likely that he is afraid you will lose one of the qualities that made you attractive to him in the first place—your complexion. Although Darika wonders why so many Thai people do not want to look Thai, it is important for you to make your boyfriend understand that you are not a child and that your appearance is up to you and not him. It was very childish of him to throw away your things. Hopefully, if you talk to him honestly and calmly he will understand that choices you make about grooming are an expression of how you feel about yourself. He also needs to understand that you are the same person who he fell in love with whether your skin is dark or light. If he does not, you should find a new boyfriend who is willing to share his own skin products with you.
Dear Darika, - Happiguy Dear Happiguy,
You are not the first, nor will you probably be the last to describe this kind of problem
and ask for Darika's advice. I have
even been asked to intercede from time to time, to translate love letters, make
sure the tuition is paid for the English classes, to see that a passport is
issued and even to pay for the boyfriend's girlfriend's abortion. I hope you can
bear Darika's candid advice. Status is a fundamental value in Thailand, so you
are quite a prize for both your young friend and his family. Nobody is probably
as concerned about the strain that this is putting on you financially or
emotionally as you are. Parents expect their adult children to provide for them.
Everyone expects your generosity to be limitless. Why shouldn't mom take the TV
when she knows you buy a new one for the boy? Why shouldn't she ask for a new
refrigerator or a motorbike? If you can afford the rent, you can afford a
fridge. If you can afford a refrigerator, you can afford a car. Ten thousand baht a month is really quite a bit of money. How much happiness
are you buying for $250? Have you considered the possibility that you may not be
the only foreigner paying him an allowance? And since the young man no longer needs
to work, what is he doing with his time? Is he making the most of it to improve
his life? If you really do love him and really do feel miserable when he is "in
a jam" (e.g., irresponsible with the rent money), have you considered insisting
that he take a little responsibility for his own life? There is nothing
dishonorable about working for 7-11 or Burger King. And for many Thais, there is
also nothing dishonorable about working in a go-go bar. A foreigner who wants to "save" someone from this kind of work
is imposing his own moral values where they do not belong and may subconsciously
attempting to wash away his own guilt for having paid for sex. When your friend jokes
about returning to his previous occupation, he is undoubtedly manipulating you
because he understands that his former place of work is evil to most Westerners. Darika is not ashamed
to say that she was once in your situation long ago before she made her
permanent home in Asia. The boy's mum suddenly had cancer. The
family cow died. He needed 25,000 baht (twice!) to avoid military service. On my
regular visits, I redeemed the same gold necklace from the same pawn shop half a
dozen times. Then there were the tearful long distance pleas for cash in the
middle of the night, charges reversed. Clearly Darika was just a bag of money
with big hair. Ultimately I decided that keeping what
little self respect I had left was more important than keeping this "boyfriend."
Darika has never seen a happy ending to a story like yours. Your friend and his
family will survive if you cut him loose tomorrow. After you have a big cry, I suspect you will feel no
less loved than you feel now. I am sorry if this advice shatters your illusions
about your relationship. However, Darika suspects you had already figured this
out for yourself anyway. Good luck! |
